I'm Done

Okay, that is it! I am sooooo done with desert living. I am sitting here on my bed reading e-mail when something catches my eye on the floor beside my foot. Something frickin moved! And fast. Oh crap, I thought, it's a scorpion. I cautiously lean over, after hastily moving my foot, to get a better look. I can't believe what I am seeing. This is a first. It's a tiny salamander. How he got into my bedroom, I can't imagine. So now I am frantically looking for something to get it with. Right now I am wishing that my room was a little less tidy. There isn't anything laying around but a small piece of paper. At this point I don't even know if I should kill it or try to catch and release it. Maybe that is a moot point though, the thing just ran under my bed and I can't see it. Oh, this is just f&^*$%g GREAT! I am having visions of this thing joining me in bed at night. Why does this always happen when Ron isn't here?! My heart is racing and I am feeling near panicky thinking that if I don't find it and get it now I may not see it again until it makes babies in my underwear drawer. I grab a hanger and start flicking it under the bed to scare the little thing out. It works. Damn it is fast but due to my horrible adrenalin surge I am faster. I smash my tiny piece of paper down on him (so much for catch and release). I press ALL my body weight into the paper and hold it there for, I don't know, maybe an hour. I just know that if I lift my hand and that thing runs, I will scream and wake up all the kids and probably my neighbors. Cautiously, I lift the paper thinking that the blood I see on the carpet is a good sign. There he is or rather was. Nothing left but a twitching tail and a blood smear on my carpet. Did I mention that I am ready to leave the desert?????